Sunday, July 13, 2008

What's my line?

Where does our friend Fred come up with such scandalous ideas?

As Fred notes: "What's My Line? was one of network television's longest running and most beloved prime time game shows with a broadcast run of seventeen and one-half years. The game consisted of four panelists trying to guess the occupation of a guest contestant. As the questioning rotated, a panel member asked questions and the guest would answer either "yes" or "no." A contestant received $5 for each "no" answer. Ten "no" answers ended the game in favor of the contestant. A mystery guest segment was also included in which the panelists were blindfolded. The mystery guests were paid $500 as an appearance fee whether they won or lost the game. This was in addition to the maximum $50 game winnings. Guest panelists were paid $750 as an appearance fee.

Well, hello - and welcome to What’s My Line? I’m Fred Swartz and I will be your guest moderator for tonight’s show. First a brief history for those not familiar with our game show.

Today, we have a very special game. First, our usual panelists have taken the night off , so we have three guest panelists. First, please welcome a legend in his own mind, the one and only Greg Venables! Greg likes to be called Archbishop since he is the primate of the Southern Cone. The second guest panelist is a world renowned blogger from the other side: please welcome...Ms. Sarah Hey. And, our final guest panelist, none other than the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams - welcome, Cantuar!

Now, will our mystery guest sign in please?

First guest: Hi, my name is John David Mercer Schofield and I am the Bishop of the diocese of San Joaquin.
Second guest: Hi, my name is David Virtue and I am the Bishop of the diocese of San Joaquin.
Third guest: Hi, my name is Jerry Lamb and I am the Bishop of the diocese of San Joaquin.

Moderator: Well panelists, looks like we have our work cut out for us tonight. We have at least two pretenders to the Episcopal see in San Joaquin. So, let’s get right into it. Greg, you are always looking for something new and different, why don’t you start us off.

Greg: Well, John-David, did you search for just the most special archbishop to help you fly south for the winter?

JDS: Yes.

Greg: Okay, great. Jerry, did you go to GAFCON?

JL: Ah, no Greg, sorry.

Sarah: Well, David, do bishops wear purple shirts?

DV: Ah, Sarah, no.

Rowan: Jerry Lamb, have you used the terms reconciliation and love in the same sentence?

JL: Why yes I have.

Rowan: John-David, how about you.?

JDS: Huh? Ah, I don’t think so.

Moderator: We will take that as a no. Okay panelists, we are running out of time, please mark your ballots. You have 30 seconds to do so.

(Tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-…tic 30...) Time's up!

Moderator: Let’s now start with Sarah Hey. Sarah who do you think is the real Bishop of the diocese of San Joaquin?

Sarah Hey: Well, Fred, I need to disqualify myself ‘cause I already know one of the panelists to be a longtime reasserter from away back and fellow blogger for the pure and holy, David Virtue.

Moderator: Darn Sarah, it’s okay to disqualify yourself but just like your blog you’ve prematurely outed our mystery guest. Criminy, will you Standfirm folks ever stop doing that stuff? Our next panelist please, -Archbishop Venables.

Greg Venables: Well after not much thought I have come to the only conclusion the Bible allows me to. I believe that the true bishop the diocese of San Joaquin is none other than John-David Schofield. (stage whisper, did I do that right Rowan?)

Moderator: Ah Greg, you cannot secretly communicate with the Archbishop of Canterbury. Please don’t be whispering while the show is in progress. Now, Rowan, how about you?

Rowan Williams: Well, Fred, I have given this much thought and prayer and I know exactly who the Bishop of the Diocese of San Joaquin. In fact, I will issue him an invitation to the Lambeth Conference right now! Jerry Lamb, you are the bishop of the Diocese of San Joaquin and I want you and your lovely wife to come to Canterbury and participate with all of us this summer.

Moderator: That is correct Rowan – you have correctly identified the one and only bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of San Joaquin!

And look at that, the old clock on the wall says its time to go! See you next week when another set of guest panelists try to guess, “Who is the good Samaritan?" Good night!

(Okay, "blame" Fred for writing for putting it up, he gave me a chance to nix it. Heh heh, of course I had to share.)